Sonnet vs. Epic

Alright, two of the most famous and most common types of written works that young scholars such as myself are privileged enough to study, the sonnet and the epic, two very different styles of writing, and two of the most popular. Sonnets are 14 line poems which usually have a specified rhyme scheme and meter. They can be further subdivided into 2 separate categories, Petrarchan, and Shakespearan. Oh dear, I think I swallowed a textbook... Anyways, the only difference is that Petrarch used a different rhyme scheme (which conveniently gave ABBA a name), and that Petrarch was a monumental creeper ( like 300 of his sonnets were about 1 woman). Sonnets were usually about love, but sometimes they could be about dying or any other cheery events going on in your life. Epics, well, they deserve their name. They are huge poems that tell a story, but not just any story. There are massive battles, huge fight scenes-the literature equivalent of the best action movie you've ever seen. The poet even has to ask for help from a muse, for fear of the dreaded writer's block. I mean it takes commitment to write an epic, but they are really quite long, and the collective ADHD  of my generation basically means their kinda obsolete. But sonnets are short, simple and appeal to many people, for you don't really require an extensive working knowledge of every Greek and Roman god that ever lived.
Who would win?
The EPIC
I think that they're pretty evenly matched, but the epic just nudged the sonnet out of the competition, by being, well, epic. I mean you don't really hear kids going around and saying, "Whoa man! That was soooooo sonnet!" Right?

Petrarch vs. Shakespeare

Two giants of their time, the Italian revolutionist and Shakespeare, who could be the most famous man in the world (after Walt Disney) battling it out. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will I chose? Lets start with the numbers; Shakespeare wrote 38 plays, 154 sonnets, and 2 long narrative poems, while Petrarch 1 epic poem, 366 sonnets and various other works in Latin. Alright so far it's 1-all. While Shakespeare was considered the British father of poetry, Petrarch was considered the Father of Humanism, which as far as I know is like being the King of the Renaissance, so I think Petrarch wins that round. But Petrarch is hardly known today amongst the general public, but Shakespeare is quite well known. I mean who's heard of a Petrarch festival? They both helped to revolutionize the sonnet though, each developed their own method  of writing these simple, effective works of writing. Petrarch loved ABBA, he used it to help design his rhyme scheme, while Shakespeare used a simple (boring) rhyme scheme of AB AB etc... Lame. I expected better from the "Father of English poetry".  Both were used quite often after they were long gone, but those writers who wanted a challenge preferred to attempt the Petrarchan sonnet. But...
Who would win?
Petrarch
Its hard to compare these two awe-inspiring authors, but Petrarch told me to "Take a Chance on Me", that "The Winner Takes All". It's hard to reason with that logic.

Alright, moving on!

Having finished with the first pool, we plunge headfirst into something a bit more modern, that is those who lived in the previous 4 centuries. There are only 2 major "themes" this unit, Romanticism and er.. non-Romanticism. Nevertheless, here are Pool B's face-offs:
Rape of the Lock vs. A Modest Proposal
Robbie Burns ( Happy birthday!!!) vs. William Blake
Dramatic Monologue vs. Villanelle
Mariner vs. Baron
The Tyger vs. the Lamb
Duke of Ferrera vs. Ulysses
Dylan Thomas vs. Thomas Gray
George Gordon, Lord Byron vs. Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Now, let the battles begin! And as always, the winners will move on to face the champs of Pool A, the losers are out of the running for 
ULTIMATE LIT CHAMPION!!!

Rape of the Lock vs. A Modest Proposal

MMM.. Good!

 Now on the surface, these two don't seem to have much in common. Rape of the Lock is a mock epic written by Alexander Pope, about, what is essentially, a haircut. A modest proposal is a leaflet written by Jonathan Swift, about eating children (no, I'm not making this up). But both are satire of the cleverest kind, aimed at making fun of the wealthy (WE ARE THE 99%!). Now Pope chooses to satirize how the rich made things that really weren't that important, really important (oh my God guys, she's TOTALLY wore that dress to Lord Pompous' ball too), that there might actually be things more useful to life than how many petticoats one's wearing. Swift takes a meaner, or if your prefer the actual term Juevenalian, satire, to display how the poverty and overpopulation is a true problem, and needs to be fixed by the English. But you have to admit, he makes a damn logical argument for eating children. Baby back ribs anyone? Now I must say, as an English snob, Rape of the Lock is written in a much more interesting way, with whole parodying of Paradise Lost thing (even if Rape of the Lock has a much different context today that it did when it was written....). But, the subject matter of A Modest Proposal is both astonishing and utterly brilliant so...
Who would win?
A Modest Proposal
Which would you prefer to read about? A really dramatic haircut? Or solving the worlds problems by eating excess babies?

Robbie Burns vs. William Blake

Now here we have, perhaps the most unfair match that I have ever cooked up. And I admit that freely and without guilt. On one side there is Robert Burns,also known as Rabbie Burns, Scotland's favourite son, the Ploughman Poet, Robden of Solway Firth, the Bard of Ayrshire and in Scotland as simply The Bard, and on the other side is William Blake, who today is considered a poetical genius, but had little of the success that Burns had. In fact, most people Blake was indeed, to use the cliche (sorry), mad as a hatter. If had to compare Blake to anyone in the world it would be Vincent van Gogh (whose last name is literally pronounced like you're  trying to cough up a hairball). Both were vastly unappreciated, passionate, talented, artistic, and reputedly crazy. To be fair though, Blake didn't cut off his ear or kill himself, but otherwise they are practically the same person. Blake wrote a fair few number of poems, the most well-known being Songs Of Innocence and The Lamb and The Tyger (yes spelled with a "Y", I already told you he was insane), and he helped to inspire the Romantic age. So basically if he was born, like 50 years later, he would be just as successful as say Keats or Shelley. And as for Robert Burns, well the name kind of speaks for itself, well that and the fact that he has his own holiday. But just for giggles, I'll tell you what he wrote: mostly poems about his native Scotland, notably To A Mouse, and To A Louse ( again, not making this up), and also helped inspire the Romantic poets. Oh, and he died when he was only 37, just like van Gogh. Weird...
Who would win?
Robert Burns

Burns wins, obviously, as far as this contest goes. But as for the best use of the English language that I can understand? Blake definitely would win. Sod off if you don't like it ye wee, sleeket, cowran, tim'rous beastie!

Dramatic Monologue vs. Villanelle

 The dramatic monologue and the villanelle are probably unknown to those who haven't taken a course in English Literature, and I feel that its time to change that, and obviously the best way to do that would be to see which one would win if forms of poetry could fight, which I know they can (my psychiatrist disagrees...). Where was I? Oh yes, the dramatic monologue. Dramatic monologues are usually quite long pieces (not epic long, but longer than a sonnet), which are spoken from the perspective of someone, called the speaker, which reflect an emotional time in their life. So in simple terms, the facebook status of every angsty teenager around...
These events can range in severity from growing old, to being a seriously deranged psychopathic killer. Usually the language is commendable, the poems interesting.  Now villanelles, are a little more complicated, they are derived from French poetry ( just another example of the English trying to be better than the French-they can't get over the Battle of Hastings, clearly) and the main aspect of villanelles is that every line has to be one of two rhymes. Yes a whole poem, with only 2 possible rhymes. C'mon that's got to be difficult. I guess that's why most villanelles end in words with A LOT of rhymes, like day, night, or so, and why the language is simple. These poems usually don't tell a story, but rather express a single thought or emotion. So..
Who would win?
Dramatic Monologue
In a ring, I think that the dramatic monologue would just confuse the villanelle with its many words and story-telling. The villanelle would get confused and shout "But that doesn't rhyme! You can't do that!", and promptly be so upset that it would knock itself out.

Mariner vs. Baron

All right lets do it! Lets get down to it! If you have somehow been living without the unicorn English Literature textbook (Gasp! Blasphemy!), you might not realize that I am of course talking about the Mariner from Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Coleridge, and the Baron ( no, not the Bloody Baron, although you have no idea how much I wish that were true), the Baron from Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope. Now these two have some similarities: both did something to make other blame their back luck on them, both of them are nameless, both are characters created to prove a point. Although to be fair, the Mariner shot a bird, and is used to help explain to readers that nature is precious, and the Baron just gave someone a bad haircut, and proves that coffee isn't for everyone. But the Baron is armed and dangerous, ready and willing to cut up the Mariner's sea snake army at the slightest indication from his accomplice, Clarissa. Don't call it a match yet though! The Mariner retaliates by commanding his zombie crew to attack, if only they listened.... Maybe the Baron's muse can help him out here, maybe Life-in Death will lend a helping hand. The Mariner does earn brownie points for the use of internal rhyme in his tale; but will the mock epic writing of Pope ensure that the Baron comes up on top? Both earn my full support as excellent, and exciting pieces of writing (they do make a nice break from LOVE and DEATH- the 2 most cliche themes of writing. Ever.)
And the winner is....
The Mariner
 While the Baron was distracted by the Starbucks vendor, the Mariner pulled out his trusty friend, his crossbow, and shot the Baron. Don't worry though, he was put in the heavens as a star, right next to the constellation of the Sirens, while the Mariner was doomed to wander to Earth indefinitely and tell people how he's reformed from his murderous past. That's right-he became a motivational speaker.