All right lets do it! Lets get down to it! If you have somehow been living without the unicorn English Literature textbook (Gasp! Blasphemy!), you might not realize that I am of course talking about the Mariner from Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Coleridge, and the Baron ( no, not the Bloody Baron, although you have no idea how much I wish that were true), the Baron from Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope. Now these two have some similarities: both did something to make other blame their back luck on them, both of them are nameless, both are characters created to prove a point. Although to be fair, the Mariner shot a bird, and is used to help explain to readers that nature is precious, and the Baron just gave someone a bad haircut, and proves that coffee isn't for everyone. But the Baron is armed and dangerous, ready and willing to cut up the Mariner's sea snake army at the slightest indication from his accomplice, Clarissa. Don't call it a match yet though! The Mariner retaliates by commanding his zombie crew to attack, if only they listened.... Maybe the Baron's muse can help him out here, maybe Life-in Death will lend a helping hand. The Mariner does earn brownie points for the use of internal rhyme in his tale; but will the mock epic writing of Pope ensure that the Baron comes up on top? Both earn my full support as excellent, and exciting pieces of writing (they do make a nice break from LOVE and DEATH- the 2 most cliche themes of writing. Ever.)
And the winner is....
The Mariner
While the Baron was distracted by the Starbucks vendor, the Mariner pulled out his trusty friend, his crossbow, and shot the Baron. Don't worry though, he was put in the heavens as a star, right next to the constellation of the Sirens, while the Mariner was doomed to wander to Earth indefinitely and tell people how he's reformed from his murderous past. That's right-he became a motivational speaker.
After narrowly taking out what was probably his biggest opponent in round 1, Satan now has to face another difficult challenger-this time in the face of the Mariner. Now. things are much more interesting here, the Mariner seems unable to die ( due to the whole albatross debacle) so he would not be subjected to Satan's wrath the way us, mere mortals are. However, he does seem to still be human so while a fiery punch may not kill him, it would still hurt. A lot. Where the Mariner does have an advantage though, is his ability to learn, to move on, to not hold a grudge. While Satan might be so consumed with his anger towards God for his humiliating loss, so focused on revenge, that the Mariner may be able to sneak away unharmed. As for the way that they are written? I would have to say that's a dead-even tie, with Donne's writing just as difficult and convoluted as Pope's. Let's just say Paradise Lost and Rhime of the Ancient Mariner aren't what I would describe as "light reading". But how to rank the two, the crazy guy who interrupts people's weddings ( Really? It couldn't have waited??) and the traitorous anti-hero with a bit of power complex (You just had to challenge God didn't you?)
And the winner is....
Satan
Yes, I know I'm being more than a little contradicting letting optimism win in one battle and then letting a horrible villain cruise to the quarterfinals. But really? Even if the Mariner can't die, there is no way that a batty sailor could beat a primordial being. Well except if hell froze over.....
