Satan vs. Beowulf

 All right, this is it, the big one. The two epic heroes, fighting for the chance to continue on. Both are from the two most epic pieces of work, Beowulf and Paradise Lost, if just in length and intricate plotline. One is from the oral epic that was told during the anglo-saxon times, before William the Conqueror come over to England , and "civilized it", and the other was written by a stuffy latin master, John Milton, who was simply trying to write the best thing ever written. No big deal. Now Beowulf was the one who was trying to rid the Danes of the horrible monster, Grendel. Which, in true epic hero fashion, he did with great success, savagely ripping off his arm and hanging it to the ceiling. Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Now Satan has a much more interesting story. He tried to oust God (yes the one and only) from heaven, but him and his archangels couldn't quite get the job done, so God has to create a place for him to suffer in, called, you guessed it, HELL. And yes it did hurt when he fell from heaven, just to answer your cheesy question. So, yes it is slightly contested as to whether he was really a hero or not, but for all intents and purposes, he will be a hero. So, now that we have some background, who would win, if these two were to ever battle it out?
On the one hand, Beowulf has super-human strength (but so does Satan) but he also had good character and strong moral fibre (and Disney taught us that good always triumphs over evil), but he is the only one of his kind, and no matter how strong he is, he's ultimately alone. Satan has a whole bunch of evil minions to help him do his bidding, like Beezlebub. He also has an entire kingdom of criminals, ones who probably might help him out. However, he is kinda attached to a lake of fire though, and constantly in pain, so he might be a little weaker than he would have been pre-skirmish with God.
And the winner is....
SATAN

Yes, I realize that he is evil, not a very nice person at all. But the only person that he lost to was God, the supposedly Almighty power. My bet is that he would be able to beat anyone else who comes in his way, even tied down in Hell. Beside Beowulf is only human, and a human who doesn't believe in God (religion wasn't yet created when he was around), so where is he going to end up? Hell. Case closed.

Mariner vs. Satan

After narrowly taking out what was probably his biggest opponent in round 1, Satan now has to face another difficult challenger-this time in the face of the Mariner. Now. things are much more interesting here, the Mariner seems  unable to die ( due to the whole albatross debacle) so he would not be subjected to Satan's wrath the way us, mere mortals are. However, he does seem to still be human so while a fiery punch may not kill him, it would still hurt. A lot. Where the Mariner does have an advantage though, is his ability to learn, to move on, to not hold a grudge. While Satan might be so consumed with his anger towards God for his humiliating loss, so focused on revenge, that the Mariner may be able to sneak away unharmed. As for the way that they are written? I would have to say that's a dead-even tie, with Donne's writing just as difficult and convoluted as Pope's. Let's just say Paradise Lost and Rhime of the Ancient Mariner aren't what I would describe as "light reading". But how to rank the two, the crazy guy who interrupts people's weddings ( Really? It couldn't have waited??)  and the traitorous anti-hero with a bit of power complex (You just had to challenge God didn't you?)

And the winner is....

Satan

Yes, I know I'm being more than a little contradicting letting optimism win in one battle and then letting a horrible villain cruise to the quarterfinals. But really? Even if the Mariner can't die, there is no way that a batty sailor could beat a primordial being. Well except if hell froze over.....

John Milton vs. Robert Burns

Two very famous men. Two of the best writers of Great Britain. Together, Robbie Burns and John Milton covered a vast range of subjects ranging from idyllic farm life to the creation of the earth. Both lived in eras of turmoil and change, Milton during the English Revolution and Burns in the Industrial Revolution which impacted the tone and content of their writing. Well now that we have established the basics, lets move on, shall we? In a contest,which would prevail? In terms of sheer influence, we have arguments for both authors; Scotland has a whole holiday and museum dedicated to their poet who only lived 37 years. I wonder what it would be like if he lived to be,say, 80? My guess is shrines dedicated to his specific pattern of plaid, complete with relics. But we cannot discount the importance of one Milton, considered by many scholars today as the third member of the triumvirate of English Literature, beside Chaucer and Shakespeare, even if they tore down the house that he was born in. Now, as for the relevance and readability ( is that even a word?) of their works in this modern age, well I'm sorry, but they both get a big failing grade. Burns' Scottish sayings and colloquialisms are frankly too hard to understand unless you are actually from Scotland (which Canadians don't tend to be) and Milton's reference to the most obscure ancient Greek gods and goddesses leave the average person with no clue as to what the heck he is going on about (I mean really, who the heck is Briareos?). Also, both don't seem to be able to spell very well. But the real question is...

Who should win??

Ahh yes bread street, the location of all the butchers.....

John Milton

Now I was leaning to the general good cheer of Robert Burns, Milton seemed too stuffy and serious to win this generally nonsensical pageant of my own intellectual prowess, but something I had disregarded up to this point made me change my mind. He was blind. Do you realize how hard it is to write when you are blind? Reakky frwakibg harrd. How much more credit did Beethoven get when he couldn't hear? Lots. Also, and this was genuine new information to me, Milton was one of the first people to support free speech, and his writings helped create the American Constitution's 1st amendment. And that's the reason this blog, and the internet even exists. So I think Mr. Milton deserves a huge round of applause from the ENTIRE WORLD. And his own holiday.

SEMIFINALS!!

We have only 3 more battles until the ultimate lit champion is, thats right it is time for the semifinals! It hardly gets any better than this, and you are in for a treat, as the pairings are thus:

 Blindman (Milton) vs The Devil Himself (Satan)

The One Gods Love to Torment (Ulysses/Odysseus) vs. The Writings of Homer and Milton (Epic)

I think life for these people just got a lot more interesting. They made it this far, but can they go the distance?

Thomas Gray vs. John Milton

  In one corner we have Thomas Gray, the brain behind the masterpiece Elegy in a Country Churchyard, the man who made us think about the people beneath those tombstones. In the other corner we have John Milton, son of composer John Milton (that's confusing...) and author of the epic Paradise Lost, which is as it's genre describes-epic. But which of these poets will emerge as victor and move on to the semi-finals? Well, Thomas Gray, while a very intelligent man, scholar extrordinaire, was not a very prolific poet. In fact, he only ever wrote less than 1000 lines of poetic verse (and no I don't know the actual number), where as Milton wrote thousands in Paradise Lost alone. Milton was also a very important member of Cromwell's government and had a lot of influence on a shaky, newly-formed republic. Both Gray and Milton attended Cambridge, which actually isn't that surprising given that England seems to only have 2 universities: Cambridge and Oxford. (or at least if you expect to be anyone in the English Lit world, that's where you must go!) And we know Gray is the resident expert on graves, where as there is no mention of a graveyard anywhere in Paradise Lost, which seems a bit of an oversight, considering the whole death of Jesus thing in it.

So.. Who would win?

John Milton.

Alright, so these two facing off is a bit like comparing a factory worker who only installs the windshield of a space shuttle to the astrophysicist who designed the whole thing. I'm certain that the factory worker is reallyyyyy good at assembling windshields, but the everyone knows that it's the astrophysicist who gets the credit. (In case you're unsure, Gray is the factory worker, Milton the astrophysicist.) And that's a science-y as it gets here, folks!

Satan vs. Lamb

If you are currently reading this because you followed instructions and skipped to this entry because you couldn't stand to see the Geats lose, then I both applaud you for you devotion and recommend that you start seeing a therapist. If you are reading this because you are eagerly awaiting the results of this match, then I'll shut up and get to it. 
Right, so as with its other battle, the lamb will not be harmed in any way, but rather we shall use the symbolism of the lamb to fight on its behalf. And what a battle it is! Satan, the root of all evil, versus the most innocent and precious of things. Part of me wants to say that the lamb should win since, even in the darkest times there is hope. (Pandora's box anyone?). But the other part of me is cynical enough to think that the idea of purity defeating evil is positively outrageous. People today are constantly bombarded with horrible, sad stories, and little is mentioned about the genuine good that does exist in this world. As we near the end of 2012, the top new stories are all about murders, deaths and general tragedy, with nothing mentioned about the good that came from hurricanes or school shootings. In previous articles, I have ensured that the lamb wins, because it is my personal belief that good should "win", that the generous side of human nature is more present than that considered "evil" or wrong. But for the sake of an argument, it would be difficult for me to let something as evil as Satan be defeated by mere innocence. It's what Adam and Eve had, and Satan corrupted it- the tendency of human nature to screw up but also the trait of curiosity and learning which defines who we are. And that's what Milton was trying to convey.

Who would win?

Satan.

The lamb had a very good run in the competition, but sadly his time was up. But next time you feel a little discouraged with the state of the world, look at pictures of lambs. I guarantee they will make you feel better!