John Milton vs. Robert Burns

Two very famous men. Two of the best writers of Great Britain. Together, Robbie Burns and John Milton covered a vast range of subjects ranging from idyllic farm life to the creation of the earth. Both lived in eras of turmoil and change, Milton during the English Revolution and Burns in the Industrial Revolution which impacted the tone and content of their writing. Well now that we have established the basics, lets move on, shall we? In a contest,which would prevail? In terms of sheer influence, we have arguments for both authors; Scotland has a whole holiday and museum dedicated to their poet who only lived 37 years. I wonder what it would be like if he lived to be,say, 80? My guess is shrines dedicated to his specific pattern of plaid, complete with relics. But we cannot discount the importance of one Milton, considered by many scholars today as the third member of the triumvirate of English Literature, beside Chaucer and Shakespeare, even if they tore down the house that he was born in. Now, as for the relevance and readability ( is that even a word?) of their works in this modern age, well I'm sorry, but they both get a big failing grade. Burns' Scottish sayings and colloquialisms are frankly too hard to understand unless you are actually from Scotland (which Canadians don't tend to be) and Milton's reference to the most obscure ancient Greek gods and goddesses leave the average person with no clue as to what the heck he is going on about (I mean really, who the heck is Briareos?). Also, both don't seem to be able to spell very well. But the real question is...

Who should win??

Ahh yes bread street, the location of all the butchers.....

John Milton

Now I was leaning to the general good cheer of Robert Burns, Milton seemed too stuffy and serious to win this generally nonsensical pageant of my own intellectual prowess, but something I had disregarded up to this point made me change my mind. He was blind. Do you realize how hard it is to write when you are blind? Reakky frwakibg harrd. How much more credit did Beethoven get when he couldn't hear? Lots. Also, and this was genuine new information to me, Milton was one of the first people to support free speech, and his writings helped create the American Constitution's 1st amendment. And that's the reason this blog, and the internet even exists. So I think Mr. Milton deserves a huge round of applause from the ENTIRE WORLD. And his own holiday.

Dramatic Monologue vs. Epic

 Since I'm sure everyone is getting very tired of having boring old characters and authors battle it out, let's see who would win in the very likely event 2 different forms of writing somehow come to life and take offence with one another. Which is how I feel the world is going to end. Isn't the saying that the pen is mightier than the sword? Forget the zombie apocalypse! Anyways, we know that dramatic monologues are long bits of speech that are used to express a characters perspective on something, anything. It's like a soliloquy, but we assume that other people are listening besides the audience. And that makes it less crazy, since soliloquies are usually villains just kind of talking to themselves on a stage... And of course epics are the massive poems telling a story of a hero of some kind. Epics also have a checklist of criteria to say whether it's really an epic or not, but if its complicated and takes a long time to read, chances are it's an epic. But which is better? Points go to the dramatic monologue for being able to be read in less than an eternity, but points go to the epic for having an actual plot line because not matter interesting a person you are, 2000 words on your opinion is always going to be tedious. (Which means I may have seriously overestimated how interesting people find this....) Epics are, well, epic, but dramatic monologues can be very intriguing- an author can write how someone seriously deranged thinks without having to come up with an entire backstory for said crazy person. My Last Duchess anyone?

 And the winner is.....

Epic. This cannot be news to anyone. Epics are the great-great-grandfather to all poetry. Epic were poems before poems were invented. (Also, the hipsters of the literary world, apparently...) And if that doesn't convince you, keep in mind that the dramatic monologue "Ulysses" was based on the epic poem, "The Odyssey". So dramatic monologues only wish they could be as amazing as the epic.

Petrarch vs. Tennyson

Can I just take this time to stress how different Tennyson and Petrarch were from each other? This is essentially comparing a tomato to an an orange. Both are fruits with a high vitamin C content, and both are writers who made a huge impact on the literary world, but no one in their right mind is going to confuse an orange with a tomato. Wasn't that a super deep metaphor? I worked hard on it. Right, so we all remember who Petrarch was? The good guy with a slightly creepy obsession with Laura? (I mean 366 poems is bordering on mild psychopathy...) And Tennyson was the romantic poet who embodied all things Victorian England, and also quite possibly the poshest name ever (Alfred, Lord Tennyson). Now Tennyson was known during his own time to a brilliant poet, master of language. But this poses an interesting question: would Tennyson be as well known today if Queen Victoria hadn't loved his poems? It's a bit like modern-day celebrity endorsement, and difficult it accurately compare his poems when there could have just as easily been a more brilliant poet who just  never got "discovered".Then again, Tennyson was quoted in Skyfall, so maybe that point is moot. If M. can appreciate it, then so can I. And if you don't get the reference, haul yourself to a theatre. Like now. Where was I? Right, as for Petrarch, he was known to be a pretty smart guy, but his influences were much more long term. I mean, Petrarch wrote his sonnets, died (the day before his 70th birthday), was buried, and decomposed before one Thomas Wyatt "borrowed" his sonnet format and used it to write cryptic messages to Anne Boleyn. But I think we've already gone over that... Also Petrarch is considered to have coined  the term "dark ages". Bit pessimistic to call the time you're living in the bane of arts and culture, don't you think? 

And the winner is...

Petrarch
While I can appreciate the beauty of Tennyson's works, and they are amazing, he just didn't have the influence that Petrarch did. Keep in mind Petrarch defeated Shakespeare to get to this point. The heavyweights of the 13th-16th centuries will always destroy the Romantics. Besides, I don't think the posh Tennyson would last very long in an actual fight...

SEMIFINALS!!

We have only 3 more battles until the ultimate lit champion is, thats right it is time for the semifinals! It hardly gets any better than this, and you are in for a treat, as the pairings are thus:

 Blindman (Milton) vs The Devil Himself (Satan)

The One Gods Love to Torment (Ulysses/Odysseus) vs. The Writings of Homer and Milton (Epic)

I think life for these people just got a lot more interesting. They made it this far, but can they go the distance?