Sonnet vs. Epic

Alright, two of the most famous and most common types of written works that young scholars such as myself are privileged enough to study, the sonnet and the epic, two very different styles of writing, and two of the most popular. Sonnets are 14 line poems which usually have a specified rhyme scheme and meter. They can be further subdivided into 2 separate categories, Petrarchan, and Shakespearan. Oh dear, I think I swallowed a textbook... Anyways, the only difference is that Petrarch used a different rhyme scheme (which conveniently gave ABBA a name), and that Petrarch was a monumental creeper ( like 300 of his sonnets were about 1 woman). Sonnets were usually about love, but sometimes they could be about dying or any other cheery events going on in your life. Epics, well, they deserve their name. They are huge poems that tell a story, but not just any story. There are massive battles, huge fight scenes-the literature equivalent of the best action movie you've ever seen. The poet even has to ask for help from a muse, for fear of the dreaded writer's block. I mean it takes commitment to write an epic, but they are really quite long, and the collective ADHD  of my generation basically means their kinda obsolete. But sonnets are short, simple and appeal to many people, for you don't really require an extensive working knowledge of every Greek and Roman god that ever lived.
Who would win?
The EPIC
I think that they're pretty evenly matched, but the epic just nudged the sonnet out of the competition, by being, well, epic. I mean you don't really hear kids going around and saying, "Whoa man! That was soooooo sonnet!" Right?

Petrarch vs. Shakespeare

Two giants of their time, the Italian revolutionist and Shakespeare, who could be the most famous man in the world (after Walt Disney) battling it out. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will I chose? Lets start with the numbers; Shakespeare wrote 38 plays, 154 sonnets, and 2 long narrative poems, while Petrarch 1 epic poem, 366 sonnets and various other works in Latin. Alright so far it's 1-all. While Shakespeare was considered the British father of poetry, Petrarch was considered the Father of Humanism, which as far as I know is like being the King of the Renaissance, so I think Petrarch wins that round. But Petrarch is hardly known today amongst the general public, but Shakespeare is quite well known. I mean who's heard of a Petrarch festival? They both helped to revolutionize the sonnet though, each developed their own method  of writing these simple, effective works of writing. Petrarch loved ABBA, he used it to help design his rhyme scheme, while Shakespeare used a simple (boring) rhyme scheme of AB AB etc... Lame. I expected better from the "Father of English poetry".  Both were used quite often after they were long gone, but those writers who wanted a challenge preferred to attempt the Petrarchan sonnet. But...
Who would win?
Petrarch
Its hard to compare these two awe-inspiring authors, but Petrarch told me to "Take a Chance on Me", that "The Winner Takes All". It's hard to reason with that logic.

Alright, moving on!

Having finished with the first pool, we plunge headfirst into something a bit more modern, that is those who lived in the previous 4 centuries. There are only 2 major "themes" this unit, Romanticism and er.. non-Romanticism. Nevertheless, here are Pool B's face-offs:
Rape of the Lock vs. A Modest Proposal
Robbie Burns ( Happy birthday!!!) vs. William Blake
Dramatic Monologue vs. Villanelle
Mariner vs. Baron
The Tyger vs. the Lamb
Duke of Ferrera vs. Ulysses
Dylan Thomas vs. Thomas Gray
George Gordon, Lord Byron vs. Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Now, let the battles begin! And as always, the winners will move on to face the champs of Pool A, the losers are out of the running for 
ULTIMATE LIT CHAMPION!!!

Rape of the Lock vs. A Modest Proposal

MMM.. Good!

 Now on the surface, these two don't seem to have much in common. Rape of the Lock is a mock epic written by Alexander Pope, about, what is essentially, a haircut. A modest proposal is a leaflet written by Jonathan Swift, about eating children (no, I'm not making this up). But both are satire of the cleverest kind, aimed at making fun of the wealthy (WE ARE THE 99%!). Now Pope chooses to satirize how the rich made things that really weren't that important, really important (oh my God guys, she's TOTALLY wore that dress to Lord Pompous' ball too), that there might actually be things more useful to life than how many petticoats one's wearing. Swift takes a meaner, or if your prefer the actual term Juevenalian, satire, to display how the poverty and overpopulation is a true problem, and needs to be fixed by the English. But you have to admit, he makes a damn logical argument for eating children. Baby back ribs anyone? Now I must say, as an English snob, Rape of the Lock is written in a much more interesting way, with whole parodying of Paradise Lost thing (even if Rape of the Lock has a much different context today that it did when it was written....). But, the subject matter of A Modest Proposal is both astonishing and utterly brilliant so...
Who would win?
A Modest Proposal
Which would you prefer to read about? A really dramatic haircut? Or solving the worlds problems by eating excess babies?

Robbie Burns vs. William Blake

Now here we have, perhaps the most unfair match that I have ever cooked up. And I admit that freely and without guilt. On one side there is Robert Burns,also known as Rabbie Burns, Scotland's favourite son, the Ploughman Poet, Robden of Solway Firth, the Bard of Ayrshire and in Scotland as simply The Bard, and on the other side is William Blake, who today is considered a poetical genius, but had little of the success that Burns had. In fact, most people Blake was indeed, to use the cliche (sorry), mad as a hatter. If had to compare Blake to anyone in the world it would be Vincent van Gogh (whose last name is literally pronounced like you're  trying to cough up a hairball). Both were vastly unappreciated, passionate, talented, artistic, and reputedly crazy. To be fair though, Blake didn't cut off his ear or kill himself, but otherwise they are practically the same person. Blake wrote a fair few number of poems, the most well-known being Songs Of Innocence and The Lamb and The Tyger (yes spelled with a "Y", I already told you he was insane), and he helped to inspire the Romantic age. So basically if he was born, like 50 years later, he would be just as successful as say Keats or Shelley. And as for Robert Burns, well the name kind of speaks for itself, well that and the fact that he has his own holiday. But just for giggles, I'll tell you what he wrote: mostly poems about his native Scotland, notably To A Mouse, and To A Louse ( again, not making this up), and also helped inspire the Romantic poets. Oh, and he died when he was only 37, just like van Gogh. Weird...
Who would win?
Robert Burns

Burns wins, obviously, as far as this contest goes. But as for the best use of the English language that I can understand? Blake definitely would win. Sod off if you don't like it ye wee, sleeket, cowran, tim'rous beastie!

Dramatic Monologue vs. Villanelle

 The dramatic monologue and the villanelle are probably unknown to those who haven't taken a course in English Literature, and I feel that its time to change that, and obviously the best way to do that would be to see which one would win if forms of poetry could fight, which I know they can (my psychiatrist disagrees...). Where was I? Oh yes, the dramatic monologue. Dramatic monologues are usually quite long pieces (not epic long, but longer than a sonnet), which are spoken from the perspective of someone, called the speaker, which reflect an emotional time in their life. So in simple terms, the facebook status of every angsty teenager around...
These events can range in severity from growing old, to being a seriously deranged psychopathic killer. Usually the language is commendable, the poems interesting.  Now villanelles, are a little more complicated, they are derived from French poetry ( just another example of the English trying to be better than the French-they can't get over the Battle of Hastings, clearly) and the main aspect of villanelles is that every line has to be one of two rhymes. Yes a whole poem, with only 2 possible rhymes. C'mon that's got to be difficult. I guess that's why most villanelles end in words with A LOT of rhymes, like day, night, or so, and why the language is simple. These poems usually don't tell a story, but rather express a single thought or emotion. So..
Who would win?
Dramatic Monologue
In a ring, I think that the dramatic monologue would just confuse the villanelle with its many words and story-telling. The villanelle would get confused and shout "But that doesn't rhyme! You can't do that!", and promptly be so upset that it would knock itself out.

Mariner vs. Baron

All right lets do it! Lets get down to it! If you have somehow been living without the unicorn English Literature textbook (Gasp! Blasphemy!), you might not realize that I am of course talking about the Mariner from Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Coleridge, and the Baron ( no, not the Bloody Baron, although you have no idea how much I wish that were true), the Baron from Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope. Now these two have some similarities: both did something to make other blame their back luck on them, both of them are nameless, both are characters created to prove a point. Although to be fair, the Mariner shot a bird, and is used to help explain to readers that nature is precious, and the Baron just gave someone a bad haircut, and proves that coffee isn't for everyone. But the Baron is armed and dangerous, ready and willing to cut up the Mariner's sea snake army at the slightest indication from his accomplice, Clarissa. Don't call it a match yet though! The Mariner retaliates by commanding his zombie crew to attack, if only they listened.... Maybe the Baron's muse can help him out here, maybe Life-in Death will lend a helping hand. The Mariner does earn brownie points for the use of internal rhyme in his tale; but will the mock epic writing of Pope ensure that the Baron comes up on top? Both earn my full support as excellent, and exciting pieces of writing (they do make a nice break from LOVE and DEATH- the 2 most cliche themes of writing. Ever.)
And the winner is....
The Mariner
 While the Baron was distracted by the Starbucks vendor, the Mariner pulled out his trusty friend, his crossbow, and shot the Baron. Don't worry though, he was put in the heavens as a star, right next to the constellation of the Sirens, while the Mariner was doomed to wander to Earth indefinitely and tell people how he's reformed from his murderous past. That's right-he became a motivational speaker.

The Tyger vs. The Lamb

I suppose now's a good as time as any to start getting all metaphorical on you, so here we go! It has to do with 2 of van Gogh, I mean Blake's poems, called The Lamb and The Tyger. Lets begin with the obvious: The Lamb is written from the perspective of a child and talks about, well, a lamb, and The Tyger is written from the perspective of an adult about (you guessed it!), a tiger. But here's where the gray matter comes in to play, the lamb symbolizes innocence, the tiger, experience. So that's what going to battle it out tonight, because there is no way I'm going to make a lamb actually fight a tiger (even this is all in my head), PETA would kill me! Okay, so innocence, commonly associated with childhood, and usually happiness in what we have, not envying other for what they have. Untainted. Also unaware and susceptible to harm. Experience, means unhappiness, but also driven a to a goal, learned, but suspicious. May be unable to see the good in certain situations. The more I think, the more I realize that this is a very personal question. Should goodness and faith in humanity triumph, or is the world too tainted and broken to heal? What kind of character does humanity in general have? Idealist or realist? Is the glass really half-full or half-empty?
And the winner is....
The Lamb
The optimist in me won today. Many will disagree, but I would prefer to believe that for the most part, the general intent of the majority of people is good. Sure, there are a few who spoil it for everyone (like the majority of politicians), but the glass is half-full. Besides, have you seen how cute lambs are? 

Duke of Ferrera vs. Ulysses

We know that the Dramatic Monologue won in its category, but what will happen when we put 2 of the dramatic monologue's finest together and tell them to brawl? One's a duke, but one's a king, and a war hero, so who would win?  The Duke of Ferrera, the speaker in Browning's My Last Duchess is powerful and wealthy, but also arrogant, with a twisted sense of justice, while Ulysses the speaker and title of Tennyson's poem (I think I'm docking points for the lack of creative title) was once mighty and powerful but is now aging, down but not out. Now while the Duke cannot deny that he has a violent streak a mile wide (He killed his wife-for smiling), it is implied that he is too good and proud and pompous to actually kill anyone himself. But Ulysses, he was in the Trojan war, so would have no qualms about killing, but hasn't had to do anything like that since the war, which was a long time ago. Ulysses is a king though, with an entire army to command, and how much power does a simple Duke of Italy have? How big is Ithaca anyways? I also wonder if Ulysses would actually make it to Italy, he is known for getting lost, and what's his status with the Grecian gods? That would easily determine his fate.
Who would win?
Ulysses
He might not be the youngest or strongest, but at least he isn't a slimy sociopath with a knack for taking people out, like he's the mob or something. Besides kings always beat dukes. It's like a cardinal rule of noblemen.

Dylan Thomas vs. Thomas Gray

 Now I'm sure that you're asking, what do these 2 have in common (besides the name Thomas)? Well both have some pretty clear opinions on death (cheery, I know) which in turn gave them their most famous poems, Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night, henceforth shortened to Do Not Go Gentle, and Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard, henceforth shortened to Elegy, respectively. Now Thomas expressed a somewhat unreasonable, if charming viewpoint in Do Not Go Gentle; that people ought to fight death (haven't we already heard about this from John Donne?), that no one has the right to just give up and let death take them. To be fair Mr. Thomas, they don't really have a choice.... Do Not Go Gentle was written at the time of Thomas' father's death, so the opinion is a valid one, valid enough for Bob Dylan to re-name himself after this guy. Gray expressed the polar opposite impression, in his Elegy, he believes that death isn't an entirely negative thing. He believes that many lives were robbed, that potential was not always reached, but that death is the greatest equalizer. It really doesn't matter who you are, you will die, the only mystery is when and where ( I now feel a sudden need to plan out my funeral...), Gray's view is slightly more grim, but realistic, and oddly it has an almost carpe diem ring to it; it encourages you to go out and live your life before it's taken from you.
Who would win......
Thomas Gray
Even if you just read through the poems, Gray's Elegy makes you think, think about your life and the lives of others cut short. Thomas' poem has a cool idea, but doesn't quite invoke the same emotional response.

George Gordon, Lord Byron vs. Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Two men with unnecessarily long names, 2 well-known greats of English poetry of 2 completely different eras, Byron was the leading Romantic poet of his time, Tennyson, a favourite of Queen Victoria during her reign. Both were known to be brilliant in their own time, both seized their lives and did what they wanted to do. Byron is known for his lengthy narrative poem Childe Harold's pilgrimage, Tennyson for his various body of works but especially for his works based on myths, like Ulysses. Byron was at the forefront of the Romantic period, and his poetry reflected the views of that time, respect the environment, challenge what was considered normal, and reject what the authority was telling them. So I guess he was really a hippy.... Tennyson was a more traditionalist reflecting the stability of the times. However, Byron wasn't the most stable guy, it is rumoured that he might have suffered from bi-polar, where as Tennyson was perfectly sane. Not entirely sure if this hurts or helps Byron, a lot of great people suffered from serious mental issues...One thing I know for sure is that Tennyson was born in Lincolnshire, and that's where many awesome people come from. I would know, I'm one. Now as for the actual body of work, Tennyson did produce more shorter works, where Byron produced fewer long ones. Byron did die when he was 37 though (WHOA! THE SAME AGE AS VAN GOGH!!), so that sort of accounts for that.
The winner is....
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
The final decision came to me when I realized that Byron did create the Byronic hero, which on it's own is fine. But when terrible authors like Stephenie Meyer get a hold of those things, tragedy happens. Essentially Byron created Twilight. Not cool...