Sir Thomas Wyatt vs. Sir John Graeme

Alright, moving on, we have Sir John Graeme versus Sir Thomas Wyatt. I know it sounds like another awesome battle between knights, but it's most definitely NOT. These guys are what I like to call the "emos" of the Lit world. Both guys are just angsting for some girl they can never, ever have. Poor, sad, mopey, little men... John Graeme loves beautiful Bonny Barbra Allen, but, alas, she will never forgive him because he slighted her while mildly intoxicated. GASP! ( Moral of the story: Try not to get drunk in front of a girl you're trying to impress, it didn't end well for Sir John here). So Johnny boy gets so upset at the fact that Barbara won;t love him that he dies of HEARTSICKNESS, yes a broken heart (really?!?). And then Barbara realizes how sad she is that she goes and dies of a broken heart too. But don't reach for your tissues just yet, it all ends well for the ill-fated lovers, they get buried together and come back as a rose and a thorn, twined together        ( 1,2.3...... AWWWWW.....) . How special. Now Sir Thomas Wyatt, he was a real person, and really in love with a women named Anne Boleyn, but she was married to the king of England (Henry VIII), and therefore totally OFF-LIMITS. So what does Sir Wyatt do to express his frustrations? Like all of the other macho men of his age, he writes beautiful sonnets to express his feelings.Thus, "Whoseso List to Hunt" was born, a poem with an elaborate metaphor that Annie is a deer, and he is the hopeless hunter trying to catch her, one who eventually just gives up, realizing that there is just no point. But there is no happy ending to this story, Anne Boleyn was beheaded by her husband, and Sir Thomas Wyatt died of illness at the ripe old age of 39.
And the Winner is...........
Sir Thomas Wyatt
This one was a tougher call, but at least Anne Boleyn and Thomas Wyatt had a legitimate excuse for not being with each other. Barabra and John Graeme could have had a happy life together!! But, no, Barbara just had to keep her pride...  Besides John seems like the biggest pansy out there... C'mon, Thomas would have totally kicked his ass.

Thomas Gray vs. Thomas Wyatt

It's time for the (2nd) battle of the Thomas's! Besides their names, the 2 didn't really have all that much in common, one was too busy pining over a girl to get anything done, and the other was obssessed with death, and spent his time pondering why some dead people were remembered more than others to get anything done. Now we have already established that Thomas Wyatt was a bit of a whiny prat who fancied himself in love with Anne Boleyn, who was conveniently married to the king so that Wyatt had the perfect excuse to never, ever talk to her. Well unless he wanted his head to be mounted above the good king's fireplace... And Thomas Gray, well he spent his days roaming graveyards, which eventually did pay off- Elegy Written in Country Churchyard is a very critically acclaimed piece even if the name is a bit wordy and has no mystery. But looking at is family, I can understand the guys obsession with death- he had 11 brothers and sisters who all died before the age of 5. If that were me, I would spend a lot of time in a graveyard too. But I don't have to, thanks to modern medicine ( and basic hygiene...)! So who should win, the morose man obsessed with the art of passing on, or the smitten sir, who did introduce the English to the sonnet, but died with little prestige to his name? Which should triumph, love or death, the sonnet or the lyric?

And the winner is......
Thomas Gray

While his Elegy may seem to be simply about how death conquers all, including the love that tears Thomas Wyatt apart, his message can be interpreted (only by English majors) as more than that, as a message to grapple life, and swallow your pride and go for your goal, and ignore the risks that might be there. The worst thing that could happen is that you could die, right? Which is a lesson that Mr. Thomas Wyatt could have used.

Petrarch vs. Tennyson

Can I just take this time to stress how different Tennyson and Petrarch were from each other? This is essentially comparing a tomato to an an orange. Both are fruits with a high vitamin C content, and both are writers who made a huge impact on the literary world, but no one in their right mind is going to confuse an orange with a tomato. Wasn't that a super deep metaphor? I worked hard on it. Right, so we all remember who Petrarch was? The good guy with a slightly creepy obsession with Laura? (I mean 366 poems is bordering on mild psychopathy...) And Tennyson was the romantic poet who embodied all things Victorian England, and also quite possibly the poshest name ever (Alfred, Lord Tennyson). Now Tennyson was known during his own time to a brilliant poet, master of language. But this poses an interesting question: would Tennyson be as well known today if Queen Victoria hadn't loved his poems? It's a bit like modern-day celebrity endorsement, and difficult it accurately compare his poems when there could have just as easily been a more brilliant poet who just  never got "discovered".Then again, Tennyson was quoted in Skyfall, so maybe that point is moot. If M. can appreciate it, then so can I. And if you don't get the reference, haul yourself to a theatre. Like now. Where was I? Right, as for Petrarch, he was known to be a pretty smart guy, but his influences were much more long term. I mean, Petrarch wrote his sonnets, died (the day before his 70th birthday), was buried, and decomposed before one Thomas Wyatt "borrowed" his sonnet format and used it to write cryptic messages to Anne Boleyn. But I think we've already gone over that... Also Petrarch is considered to have coined  the term "dark ages". Bit pessimistic to call the time you're living in the bane of arts and culture, don't you think? 

And the winner is...

Petrarch
While I can appreciate the beauty of Tennyson's works, and they are amazing, he just didn't have the influence that Petrarch did. Keep in mind Petrarch defeated Shakespeare to get to this point. The heavyweights of the 13th-16th centuries will always destroy the Romantics. Besides, I don't think the posh Tennyson would last very long in an actual fight...