So You're Convinced English Lit Isn't For You?

You are sitting there, in a dusty old classroom, thinking to yourself, "I have no idea what's going on" while your teacher is explaining to you what the difference between a Petrarchan and a Shakespearean sonnet is and all you want to do is shout
"WHO CARES!"The answer? Nobody, really. But the point is you have to know what the difference is, and you find it outrageously boring. Well, don't despair, for I will help! Instead of you trying to memorize the differences, I will explain by trying to determine, "who wold win in a fight Shakespeare of Petrarch?" and eventually,
What is the most EPIC part of lit?These battles will take place over the next few weeks, and before, the end of January we will know the ULTIMATE CHAMPION is. Not only will you know who the best Lit character is, you'll also have figured out most of the course, I guarantee it! Sooo, let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!

And We Start Off With...

Alright, so we will start off with pool A  which will take us all the way back to Anglo-Saxon times, and finish off around the 17th century. In this pool we will have 8 matchs:

Danes vs. Geats

Knight vs. Sir Gawain

Sir Graeme vs. Sir Thomas Wyatt 
Shepherd vs. Nymph

Robert Herrick vs. John Milton
Satan vs. Beowulf

Sonnet vs. Epic

Petrarch vs. Shakespeare

The winners of these will move on to compete in the next round, the losers will be out of the running for ULTIMATE LIT CHAMPION!

Danes vs. Geats

Who would win, the Danes or the Geats? Lets first do some background on the two. Both are types of peoples found in the Anglo-Saxon epic, Beowulf. The Danes are the ones being tormented by Gendel, and then Grendel's mom, and have to ask for help from the Geat (and epic hero), Beowulf. So I now what you're thinking, the Geats have Beowulf, so they win, like automatically, right? Nope. Its not that simple. because Beowulf is a hero of the most epic kind, unless the Danes did something to offend him, he probably would stay out of it ( or fight on whichever side he felt was the most right). So now that he's out of the way, lets look at the countries themselves. They are separated by a body of water of some kind, so the winner would need to be able to cross it, which we know the Geats can do, as evidenced by the crossing of Beowulf. The winners wold also need a pretty awesome leader, for the whole "rallying of the troops" tradition that's in every war movie. Ever made. In that aspect, the Danes take the lead. Hrothgar is awesome! C'mon, tell me you wouldn't want your king to build the people the equivalent of an all-you-can-drink bar, even if it is being terrorized by some giant, evil monster. Which brings me to my next point, an actual army. Grendel kind of ate some of the Danes best men, leaving the Danes, without some fierce warriors. However, the Geats also lost some men, the bravest and best soldiers that Beowulf took with him on his journey. Also, if you have a guy like Beowulf on your side most of the time, how strong is your army really going to be? If Higlac (King of the Geats) had any common sense, he would of let Beowulf deal with any problems, and basically let his army fall to pieces. Or it could make him have the strongest army since the Spartans, Hmm....
And the winner is...............
The Geats
Obviously. This is a no-brainer. How hard would it be to defeat a country which spends their time getting drunk? Really? Plus, they may all be like super strong and tough like Beowulf. Who knows? 

Sir Gawain Vs. Knight

Time for Round 2! In one corner, we have Sir Gawain, knight of the Round Table, one of Arthur's favourite knights, and in the other corner, we have the Knight from Chaucer's frame story Canterbury Tales, one of the only brave and noble characters, and the highest ranking person in the entire book. Lets start it off by saying that they are both knights, good and honourable (well, mostly, Gawain DID have a certain thing for other lords' wives) and both followed the chivalric code. Which means, that they have to be, like, super nice and stuff off the battlefield, but turn into war-crazed maniacs when fighting their enemy (multiple personality syndrome, anyone?) So lets talk about their battles. Sir Gawain faced off with the Green Knight (Ooooo scary...) a mystical, immortal knight, who doesn't even die when Gawain chops off his head. So Gawain fufills his end of their bargain when he goes to meet the Green Knight a year after their "duel", doesn't have the guts to accept his fate ( his head being chopped off in return), has an affair with a married women, takes a magic girdle, and well long story short, everything ends up just fine. WHAT! Their isn't even an epic battle! He ends up with a shoulder wound, a magic girdle, and his debt repaid! He should be a negotiator for the UN...And then there is the Knight. Portrayed as a 30-something guy, with a good heart, and a useless son, this dude really knows how to slaughter some people, an definite advantage. He went through the CRUSADES, people. Do you know what happened in the Crusades? Let's just say, an army of children, that's right, children went into the Crusades, and even they got slaughtered. The guys fighting in the Crusades were heartless, clearly. And the Knight made it through that, and lived to tell his tale? Guy must be one tough SOB. And there is no indication he has ever done anything unsavoury...
And the winner is......
The Knight
Do I need to explain myself?

Sir Thomas Wyatt vs. Sir John Graeme

Alright, moving on, we have Sir John Graeme versus Sir Thomas Wyatt. I know it sounds like another awesome battle between knights, but it's most definitely NOT. These guys are what I like to call the "emos" of the Lit world. Both guys are just angsting for some girl they can never, ever have. Poor, sad, mopey, little men... John Graeme loves beautiful Bonny Barbra Allen, but, alas, she will never forgive him because he slighted her while mildly intoxicated. GASP! ( Moral of the story: Try not to get drunk in front of a girl you're trying to impress, it didn't end well for Sir John here). So Johnny boy gets so upset at the fact that Barbara won;t love him that he dies of HEARTSICKNESS, yes a broken heart (really?!?). And then Barbara realizes how sad she is that she goes and dies of a broken heart too. But don't reach for your tissues just yet, it all ends well for the ill-fated lovers, they get buried together and come back as a rose and a thorn, twined together        ( 1,2.3...... AWWWWW.....) . How special. Now Sir Thomas Wyatt, he was a real person, and really in love with a women named Anne Boleyn, but she was married to the king of England (Henry VIII), and therefore totally OFF-LIMITS. So what does Sir Wyatt do to express his frustrations? Like all of the other macho men of his age, he writes beautiful sonnets to express his feelings.Thus, "Whoseso List to Hunt" was born, a poem with an elaborate metaphor that Annie is a deer, and he is the hopeless hunter trying to catch her, one who eventually just gives up, realizing that there is just no point. But there is no happy ending to this story, Anne Boleyn was beheaded by her husband, and Sir Thomas Wyatt died of illness at the ripe old age of 39.
And the Winner is...........
Sir Thomas Wyatt
This one was a tougher call, but at least Anne Boleyn and Thomas Wyatt had a legitimate excuse for not being with each other. Barabra and John Graeme could have had a happy life together!! But, no, Barbara just had to keep her pride...  Besides John seems like the biggest pansy out there... C'mon, Thomas would have totally kicked his ass.

The Passionate Shepherd vs. The Nymph

So now continuing with our theme of unrequited love, we move on to The Passionate Shepherd by Christopher Marlowe ( you know, that guy who was stabbed) and The Nymph's Reply ( you know that guy who was also killed). So basically what happens is that a shepherd, who happens to be passionate (creative title, I know), happens to be the most whipped guy on the face of the planet, and promises all kinds of stuff to this women that he loves. The woman, or nymph, in apparent true woman fashion, rejects the shepherd. (OUCH! That's gotta sting a little...) And then the poems are done. No death, no battles, no unnecessary suicides. Basically in a word: boring. But what they lack in any excitement whatsoever, they more than make up for in weird poetic types. You, see Passionate Shepherd is a pastoral poem, while the Nymph's Reply is, wait for it, anti-pastoral. But that's not what we're talking about. Who would win between them? Well, on the one hand, the shepherd but be quite charming, and he is a good, honest man. That should count for something, right? As for the nymph, I can't quite decide whether she is one of the very first feminists, or the biggest  gold digger around, I mean, she did reject the shepherd just because he didn't have any money or wealth. She claimed that it was because love was fleeting, but I think she wanted a excuse to reject his proposal. The one thing that we do not know, however, is what happened to these two people. Did the Nymph ever learn to love? Did the Shepherd ever find someone else?
And the winner is.....
The Nymph
She might not be the nicest person is the world, but at least he's not completely whipped like the Shepherd. Learn to stand up for yourself man!

Satan vs. Beowulf

 All right, this is it, the big one. The two epic heroes, fighting for the chance to continue on. Both are from the two most epic pieces of work, Beowulf and Paradise Lost, if just in length and intricate plotline. One is from the oral epic that was told during the anglo-saxon times, before William the Conqueror come over to England , and "civilized it", and the other was written by a stuffy latin master, John Milton, who was simply trying to write the best thing ever written. No big deal. Now Beowulf was the one who was trying to rid the Danes of the horrible monster, Grendel. Which, in true epic hero fashion, he did with great success, savagely ripping off his arm and hanging it to the ceiling. Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Now Satan has a much more interesting story. He tried to oust God (yes the one and only) from heaven, but him and his archangels couldn't quite get the job done, so God has to create a place for him to suffer in, called, you guessed it, HELL. And yes it did hurt when he fell from heaven, just to answer your cheesy question. So, yes it is slightly contested as to whether he was really a hero or not, but for all intents and purposes, he will be a hero. So, now that we have some background, who would win, if these two were to ever battle it out?
On the one hand, Beowulf has super-human strength (but so does Satan) but he also had good character and strong moral fibre (and Disney taught us that good always triumphs over evil), but he is the only one of his kind, and no matter how strong he is, he's ultimately alone. Satan has a whole bunch of evil minions to help him do his bidding, like Beezlebub. He also has an entire kingdom of criminals, ones who probably might help him out. However, he is kinda attached to a lake of fire though, and constantly in pain, so he might be a little weaker than he would have been pre-skirmish with God.
And the winner is....
SATAN

Yes, I realize that he is evil, not a very nice person at all. But the only person that he lost to was God, the supposedly Almighty power. My bet is that he would be able to beat anyone else who comes in his way, even tied down in Hell. Beside Beowulf is only human, and a human who doesn't believe in God (religion wasn't yet created when he was around), so where is he going to end up? Hell. Case closed.